Not for the Faint of Heart
by restfulsky5
Summary: For Valentine's Day what Jim wants most is sanity on the bridge. Instead, chaos abounds and he has to deal with a scaly best friend, a first officer devouring chocolate, and an overwrought, emotional wife. Naturally, Jim takes it upon himself to fix things and reaps the consequences. A tale not to be taken too seriously...COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: First things first! This is a light-hearted, fluffy crew fic not to be taken too seriously. Actually, it's my first fluffy crew fic ever and I've had a ridiculously, wonderful time writing pure entertainment for a change.

Very much Jim-centric, this fic has a big to-do about his friendship with McCoy and then his relationship with Carol and finally those other relationships and people we all know and love- Spock/Uhura, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, and even Nurse Chapel.

It is also fairly short and sweet, with a touch of Hurt!Jim. So, yes. Jim has a plan or two, including one to fix the disaster McCoy has brought upon himself. And you know how those plans go...

Thank you, DLB48, for beta reading. I am so appreciative of your expertise!

The story is six parts and I will post the final chapter on Valentine's Day. Thank you for reading!

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.

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><p>Valentine's Day was for the birds.<p>

Jim's foul mood scattered his crewmen as he muttered under his breath and stormed his way towards the bridge for his alpha shift. The indulgent holiday was simply terrible. It brought out the worst in everyone and ensuing problems threatened Jim's sanity. No one was immune to the day's seductive powers, including much of his bridge crew. This year was no exception.

Scotty ran out of whiskey and misplaced his spare bottles two days ago, causing the Scotsman to rant and rave like Jim had never seen. Jim barely refrained himself from joining in as he expected to partake of the drink on Valentine's Day as well, per their tradition. Scotty's fit, better suited for the preschool classroom than a star ship rec room, caused the engineer to then confine himself to his quarters for twenty-four hours. Jim entered Scotty's realm hesitantly yesterday only to hear the man curse up a storm at whomever had taken his bottles. That wasn't the only thing. From there it only escalated.

That same day, McCoy somehow contracted his own case of some bizarre fish mutation on their most recent mission. The doctor was crankier than ever and smelled funny but that really wasn't all that new to Jim, if he was to be honest about McCoy's drinking binges. The scales on the fingers...well...that _was_ new.

Jim refused to feel guilty about the fish incident even with the glares Nurse Chapel sent him each time he visited Bones in sickbay. The fish thing wasn't his fault. The wheels in Jim's mind churned even now, working on a plan to fix the problem. Yes, Jim had requested his CMO to accompany him to help the underwater civilization after they had received a distress call. Standard protocol mandated that an attending doctor accompany the team but Jim never told him to drink the water.

That had been Bones. All Bones. And a mistake.

Their hosts did not intend for anyone to drink that specific water, as they gathered above the sea's surface. Fortunately, Spock knocked it out of Bones' hand after the doctor took one sip. At least it hadn't been the more potent stuff, which Jim curiously asked about later.

With that thought he entered the lift and saw Spock waiting for him.

"Bridge," Jim angrily barked.

Unsurprisingly, Spock didn't even raise an eyebrow at Jim's unorthodox way of speaking. The Vulcan wasn't himself. Spock and Uhura were actually fighting. Jim happened to intercept a delivery of chocolates this morning to Spock from a secret admirer.

As if that hadn't been obvious. Just thinking about facing them _both_ on the bridge made him cringe.

Jim almost groaned when he remembered Chekov. He still didn't know why the young man was bouncing off the walls more than usual. Chekov's excitement certainly bothered the crewman sitting next Chekov on the bridge. Jim could've sworn he'd seen Sulu wearing earplugs yesterday his entire shift.

Speaking of earplugs, Jim remembered why he wanted to ask the helmsman for a pair but what Jim really wished for was a night NOT spent on Spock's couch. Especially a night like tonight. Jim finally had a sweetheart to enjoy the holiday with- his wife- but Carol was acting weird. Really weird.

Actually, he needed those ear plugs before he vacated Spock's quarters for his own so he didn't have to hear her crying. Every time Jim saw his wife off duty it seemed like she was crying, about to cry, or recovering from crying. He barely saw her these days, so tired was he of seeing her red, swollen eyes. At first, Jim assumed it was fault but now since he'd avoided her and she still cried, it couldn't possibly be Jim's doing. He wasn't causing her problems. Carol had told him herself just yesterday.

Nonetheless, she continued to cry or snap at him to leave her alone every time he tried to approach her. Jim was then compelled to spend his sleeping hours in an overly-warm room with an uptight Vulcan who forced him to eat vegetarian while he hunkered down on the couch.

Women.

Green-blooded hobgoblins.

"Pardon me, Captain?"

"What?" Jim glanced up as they abandoned the lift together to step onto the bridge. He reddened as he realized he must have said some of that aloud. "Oh. Nothing."

Spock's attention turned elsewhere. Jim breathed a sigh of relief his words hadn't made much of an impact.

"Keptin on ze bridge!"

At the ear-piercing words, Jim pasted on a smile and glanced at the over-zealous announcer. Chekov really needed to can the excitement. He still acted like he was the president or something. Not that he didn't appreciate it but Jim still didn't have those ear plugs.

Movement to the left caught his eye. Uhura observed them both quietly. She looked especially beautiful today. Jim could think that on behalf of Spock, of course, because he felt nothing for the lieutenant but friendship and for heaven's sake, Jim was married.

Not that that makes a difference to all men, but it did for him. So, yes, today Nyota looked exceptionally beautiful. Jim suspected that was to infuse a certain amount of jealousy in Spock as a newly appointed security guard mistakenly showed his open appreciation for his lady love.

Jim grabbed his first officer's arm the instant he saw the Vulcan twitch and make for Mr. Worthgallen.

"Now, now," Jim whispered. "Why don't you just admit you were wrong and get it over with?"

Spock frowned. "I cannot because I did no wrong, Captain. And Vulcans do not l-"

"Do not lie," Jim rolled his eyes as Spock continued to confirm his own innocence. "I get it but even though that may be so, the fact that you forgot that Nyota absolutely loves Valentine's Day was a mistake."

"I merely did not initiate an engagement in which we would spend our evening."

Jim clapped Spock on the arm. "You just keep thinking like that, Spock." Jim scurried away as Uhura made her way to Spock like a tiger searching for its first kill of the day.

"Captain," Carol's sweet voice rang in his ear. He turned to her, expecting a torrent of emotions, but blinked in shock when he saw her own genuine smile and not a trace of tears.

She was back to normal. Normal. Finally. Someone was normal.

Jim hesitantly replied, his hopes high. "Dr. Marcus."

"Are we still on for tonight?" She still looked sweet, not the menacing woman who must've received the tip from Uhura how to unnerve him with her tears.

Whatever she wanted, Jim would do. As long as she didn't cry.

"Of course," Jim beamed. "Does...does this mean..."

"I'm not upset with you anymore and you can come back to our quarters? Yes."

"I thought you said you weren't upset with me?" Jim asked, confused.

"I'm not. I mean...just come back," she whispered, leaning into him in an unprofessional but delightful way.

Jim blinked, practically numb as her hand touched his and her lips found his cheek. The kiss was as light as a feather but as seductive as he'd ever known.

"I hope that wasn't terribly inappropriate of me, Captain," she teased him.

Jim stared at her in amazement. His wife was back. "It's Valentine's Day. Rules may be broken."

"In that case," she whispered into his ear, caressing it with her lips, "maybe we can leave early?"

"Uh..s..su..su..." He stuttered as his senses went in overdrive.

"I'm counting on it, Captain," she smoothly interrupted.

His wife left him standing there, speechless and flummoxed at the way she morphed overnight into a vixen.

Maybe Valentine's Day wouldn't be so bad after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Thank you for reading this light-hearted, short and sweet story. I appreciate those reviews! DLB48, thank you so much for your beta help!

I am so glad you all think this is funny. I'm going for that- cute and funny. It won't be outlandish, I promise. Blame the animated, Star Trek episode I peeked at months ago- it somewhat inspired all of this!

After this chapter comes one I really had fun writing- and a little more of the plot will emerge. In the meantime, here's chapter two!

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><p>Enough was enough. Jim had it up to his eyeballs with the immature behavior on the bridge. He didn't know <em>who<em> to pin the blame on for his throbbing headache. It was damn near everyone's fault. Bones, too, was suffering, but in a different way. It was time to stop the preschool antics and put his plan into action.

"Mr. Spock, you have the conn. Please have Shuttle 3 prepared for departure in thirty minutes. Lieutenant Uhura, you're coming with me."

Part one of his plan: separate Spock and Uhura. Uhura's cool aloofness for the last hour had Spock in a tizzy. This would be amusing under other circumstances but not today.

"Aye, sir." Uhura lifted an eyebrow and gracefully made her way to the turbo lift, slowing as she passed Spock. The Vulcan had no defense against her feminine guile and almost fell out of his chair.

Yes, it was definitely time to divide and conquer.

Jim rolled his eyes and stepped closer to Sulu. Time for part two: Sulu and Chekov needed attention, also.

"Mr. Sulu," Jim said loudly, hoping his helmsman could hear. "You're coming with me, too."

"Yes, sir," Sulu stated without hesitation. He shot up from his station just as quickly, the relief in his expression palpable. Jim coughed into his hand as Sulu not-so-discreetly pulled out his earplugs.

"Captain." Spock frowned.

Jim sighed. "Yes, Mr. Spock."

"I do not recall any mention of this...mission."

"No, because I haven't said anything about it yet." Jim walked towards the lift, thinking that would suffice. Carol sent him a questioning look. He stopped mid-stride at her station, only to be almost run over by his first officer.

"Captain, you forget it is logical for me to accompany you."

"Spock," Jim stepped carefully away from the flustered Vulcan, keeping his voice low. "I'd rather you think of what you'd like to do for Uhura for Valentine's Day and watch over my ship. Visit Bones for me, too. Tell him I'll be in later after I return."

"Very well. In that case, may I inquire what your plans are?"

"I'm going with a hunch and returning to the beach with Uhura. The cure for Bones- it's down there. It'll only take a few minutes." He knew just what to do, or at least where to begin, and did not need the added worry of his first officer.

"Captain-"

"Spock, it won't take long. I need you to remain here," Jim said firmly.

"As you wish." Spock said reluctantly, keeping one eye on Uhura as she neared the lift and almost missing the command chair completely as he sat down.

Jim wrinkled his brow, wondering once again what specifically caused such an imbalance in his first officer's behavior. It made Jim's head spin just thinking about it.

"What do you have up your sleeve, Captain Kirk?" Carol sauntered closer.

"Haven't you noticed the way those two are behaving?" Jim whispered. "I'm giving them time to think without them having to be in the same room. I am also going on a hunch, one that could help Bones."

"That's awfully sweet of you." Carol gazed up at him. Good, it was about time she paid attention to his charming ways. After this week, Jim wasn't sure what his wife thought of him other than being a stray dog she didn't want around. Or a punching bag for her tears.

"Would you like me to come, too, or do we need time to think as well?" Her mouth curved up, inviting Jim closer. He stopped a hair's breadth away when her eyes filled with the love so familiar to him.

"If you stay here, it'll just make me go mad with love."

"I'll stay here then," she replied mischievously.

"Are you certain?" He was hoping she was. The success of this mission may very well depend on his wife's absence.

"Of course."

"If you say so." He fought his grin and joined the two crew members he rescued off the bridge. The lift doors closed. He made sure they'd stay closed and then turned to face Uhura and Sulu.

"Uhura. Sulu. Off the record, what's going on with you guys?"

"Excuse me, Captain, but I'm not altogether certain that's an appropriate question." Uhura lifted her chin. Sulu looked to the floor.

"Someone sent him chocolates this morning, Uhura." Jim crossed his arms. "He's behaving so unlike himself that he almost ate one."

Jim thought again. Maybe he _did_ eat one when Jim wasn't looking. That'd explain the way Spock almost missed his chair.

"Sorry to hear that." Uhura pressed her lips together. She made no excuse for herself. It was a sure sign Jim wouldn't get far with her yet.

Jim would try Sulu.

"Are you two still friends?"

"He's like a chipmunk on drugs, isn't he?" Sulu said.

Jim fought back his smirk at the helmsman's description of Chekov. He leaned in expectantly. "From what?"

"A date he has tonight." Sulu frowned. "With my ex-girlfriend."

Sarah. Oh. That explained the earplugs. More than likely, this meant Chekov's excitement would continue into tomorrow. Unfortunately, maybe even the rest of the week.

"May I borrow those?" Jim nodded to the set of earplugs wrapped tightly in Sulu's hands.

"Be my guest," Sulu mumbled, handing them directly to the captain. "It's not like I don't have a dozen more replicated in my quarters."

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><p>"You're not going to turn into a fish, Leonard." Christine attempted to reassure McCoy as they stood huddled and sequestered from the others in sickbay. McCoy was by no means offended that his staff wished to avoid his foul smell. Christine, on the other hand, surprised him by hovering over him ever since the mutation struck.<p>

"Oh, really? These scales sure aren't turning me into Prince Charming," McCoy grumped as he set up to draw his own blood.

"I wish you'd let me help you."

"No one's touching me," he practically snarled. Cringing inwardly, McCoy remembered Jim's crestfallen face when he shied away from the captain. For heaven's sake, the idiot was moping more about it than McCoy- but McCoy didn't want pity.

"We do have gloves to wear, you know." Christine huffed. "It wouldn't hurt you to let someone take care of you for once."

It wouldn't, but the scales were annoying. Plain damn annoying. Even if they only numbered five on one hand and seven on the other.

"Fine." McCoy sat himself on a biobed. "Here."

He scowled at the floor. He should've known better than to the drink water of an unknown planet. He'd just been preoccupied. What made it even more unbearable was the fact that now he owed that green-blooded hobgoblin. It was Spock who had rescued him from an even worse fate.

"Are you free tonight?"

"I might go for a swim."

Christine rolled her eyes as she donned a pair of gloves and prepared to draw his blood. "You're not turning into a fish. The mutation actually stopped."

"It stopped right after it made me...smelly and scaly. A fish."

"You're beginning to sound like the captain when he grumbles down here."

"Yeah, well, he never was made into a f-"

"Leonard McCoy, just stop it," Christine scolded him. "I'm trying to ask you out on a date and all you can think of doing is remain the only guest of your pity party."

"Guess that's best, considering I'm-"

Guilt pricked him when Christine sent a fresh glare his way. She certainly didn't deserve this bad attitude of his.

"...free. Tonight," he growled. Of all the times for Christine to ask him out, she picks today. She had years to ask him and she picks the day he grew scales. Scales!

"Fine," she said shortly, finishing up. "Come by my quarters around 8. I'll have my swimsuit ready just in case."

"Very funny," he retorted as she left his side. As soon as she was out of earshot, McCoy snorted. It _had_ been funny.

He thanked his lucky stars Jim hadn't been around.

McCoy never would have heard the end of it.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: My children roll their eyes and sound a chorus of "Mom!" when I laugh out loud while typing away at these stories. Thanks to these characters, who have minds of their own, this particular chapter earned many eye rolls. If you do not find this entertaining, I have completely and utterly failed.

Thank you to all who are reading! I'm delighted this story has steady readers. Your reviews make my day! DLB48- THANK YOU for being the absolutely best beta reader a writer could ever hope for.

After this comes Jim, Sulu, and Uhura...until then, here we are on the Enterprise...

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><p>"Ach, lass, what are ye greetin' about?"<p>

Carol stared woodenly at her food while Mr. Scott, in his round about way, asked her why she was crying. Trying to figure out why she was crying only made her cry harder. It hardly made sense to her either- she could count on one hand the number of times she'd ever cried. She had stopped trying to figure it out herself. Rather than continue crying alone she decided to seek company.

With Jim and Nyota still away and Christine helping Dr. McCoy with his fish problem, she felt isolated. It made just as much sense to her as did her crying spell, surrounded as she was in the crowded mess hall. She wished to speak to no one but Jim, Christine, or Nyota. Jim, because he loved her and Nyota and Christine, because they didn't care if she cried.

Those tears made their wretched return just before Scotty sidled up beside the table and sat down across from her.

"It can't be because of my whiskey," he shook his head. "That be the lad's sore spot today. He's greetin' like a wee bairn."

She sighed. Yes, she agreed that Jim was feeling quite low of heart with the lack of Scotty's wicked drink this Valentine's Day.

"Don't tell him," he leaned it to whisper. "But I've got a surprise for the captain later."

He winked and took a messy, monstrous bite of his sandwich. The lettuce curled from his mouth and mustard dripped down his chin in the most unsightly manner.

Carol's stomach turned. It reminded her that she'd felt ill for at least a week now and the feeling always exacerbated with the mere sight or smell of food. It may be time for a visit to sickbay, if only to see Christine. "Are you going to eat that entire thing, Mr. Scott?"

"Dr. Marcus," Scotty said, mouth still partly full. He wiped his mouth clean with a napkin and began again, this time adding a bit of tomato to the mix. "I can't seem to work well on an empty stomach."

"No," she smiled faintly, wondering how she could escape from his company without seeming terribly rude. A needed trip to sickbay may serve her purpose. "I imagine not."

"Did ye see how bright the lad became as soon as you talked to him? He is missin' ye, he is." Scotty nodded firmly.

"You were on the bridge?" Carol began to feel slightly guilty for pushing Jim away the past few days, especially since the crew had noticed. She didn't know what had gotten into her.

"Aye, lass. For a moment." The next bite in his mouth was just as large. She pushed her own food away. She wanted to leave but truthfully, she now felt too ill to even move. Scotty's mastered task- and dare she say, art form- of eating a sandwich mesmerized her as much as it turned her stomach.

In a few minutes, Mr. Scott's lips smacked with his last bite. He set his eyes upon her somberly. "Now, lass, when are ye going to tell him?"

"Pardon me?"

"Ach, ye dinna be foolin' me," he exclaimed, slapping a hand on the table. "What a surprise for the lad!"

"Mr. Scott, I do not seem to follow-"

He laughed with glee. "Perhaps ye should be speakin' with the doctor, if he hasn't grown his gills."

She frowned. Scotty's eyebrows shot up.

"He hasn't, has he?" Scotty leaned in, whispering his concern. "Grown gills?"

"Well, no."

Scotty slumped in relief, a rush of air escaping his mouth. "Good. Keenser and I have been worried. Now, do yourself a favor, lass, and dinna be telling the captain until ye know for sure."

"I still don't understand." Carol wiped away the last of her subsiding tears as Mr. Scott continued to talk her in circles.

"There, there, lass," he said gently. "It'll all be okay."

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><p>"Where did Jim go? Back down to that wretched, vile water?" McCoy roared at Spock the second he stepped into sickbay. "Trying to find a cure?"<p>

"Yes, indeed he did, Dr. McCoy."

"I knew he would. He'll need me," McCoy paced sickbay, scratching at his hands. "And I'm stuck, here. Like this."

"Dr. McCoy," Christine chimed in. "He'll be fine. He knows the risks. I could say with certainty the captain wouldn't put himself in danger for fear of scales growing on his hands."

As if that mattered. McCoy had too much history with Jim Kirk to be comforted with platitudes. Spock knew as well as McCoy that Jim was going to get himself in trouble. "That's been said before...kind of."

"It'll be different this time. For Carol's sake, he will be fine," Christine's confidence shone through her cheeky smile. "She hates rough hands."

"Indeed, doctor. I agree with Nurse Chapel." Spock clasped his hands behind him and stood away from McCoy. "Although he failed to elaborate on the bridge, the captain insisted he knew what to do."

"He didn't tell me about it and that means it's more than a few minutes,'" McCoy scowled at Spock. "How could you let him go by himself?"

"The captain adamantly requested my presence here on the ship."

"There's something you're not telling me. Wait," McCoy tapped his hand on his cheek and peered at Spock. "Did Uhura go with Jim?"

Spock merely lifted an eyebrow, his silence damning him.

"That's just great," McCoy sighed, running a hand through his hair. "If anything happens to Jim, it's all on you, Spock, because you and your little spat got in the way."

"Something has happened to Jim?"

McCoy twisted around to see Dr. Marcus' pale face a few feet away from him, nose wrinkled.

"It may be best if you back up, Dr. Marcus." From her pale face and pinched face, McCoy instantly deduced she was unwell. "Christine, maybe you could escort her to a chair."

Christine rushed to do his bidding but Dr. Marcus refused, Jim on her mind. "Where is he? I thought he'd be back by now."

"We received communication from Lt. Sulu thirty minutes ago," Spock stated calmly. "As we speak, Captain Kirk is in pursuit of what is needed to reverse the doctor's condition. Excuse me, I must return to the bridge now that I have received a full update on Dr. McCoy."

"I'm not feeling well, myself," Dr. Marcus frowned. "That's what I came to talk to you about, Dr. McCoy."

"Would you rather it wait, Dr. Marcus?" McCoy observed how delicately she waved her hand in front of her. "I'm afraid Dr. M'Benga is in surgery and I...well...as you can see.."

"No." She bit her lip. "Well. Maybe Nurse Chapel..."

Dr. Marcus teetered. She caught herself, pulling on Spock's arm as he walked past her. "Pardon me. I don't know what has come over me these past few days."

Spock paused. "Indeed, Dr. Marcus. You shall be relieved of your duties until you feel well enough to return."

"That may be best, Commander." She sighed. "Thank you. Mr. Scott talked me in circles today while he ate an enormous, sloppy sandwich, making me ill just watching him, warning me not to tell Jim unless I was certain and what a surprise it would be for-"

She stopped abruptly, eyes bright and as wide as Jupiter in wonder. "Oh."

"Oh, my," Christine repeated breathlessly.

There was no way McCoy was going to lay his scaled hands on his captain's pregnant wife.

"Christine, this one's all yours."


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: It's time for Jim, Sulu, and Uhura. The beginning of this scene takes us back just a little before the end of Chapter 3 but soon catches up. We're headed towards some craziness (but nothing totally ridiculous, mind you)! Hope you enjoy what's next!

Thanks so much for reading- I greatly appreciate the favs, follows, and reviews! My intent is to provide some light-hearted fun so I am delighted to learn you've found this humorous. DLB48- thank you so much for the beta!

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><p><em>"You have returned to us, Man of the Sky."<em>

"Greetings, King Gri'eone." As Uhura translated, Sulu warily eyed the two dozen guards surrounding the king, noting the odds tipped largely in the sea creatures' favor. They were a peaceful race but the nine inch nails and eight foot long tails were a bit intimidating.

_"As unexpected is your visit, we are pleased to welcome you back. I can see something weighs on your mind. Please, tell me what is your concern?"_

"We appeal to your mercy." Kirk bowed in respect. "One of our own requires your help. The one who helped your daughter."

_"Ah, the healer." _The creature's eyes glowed with happiness as if he remembered McCoy's administrations to those ill within his kingdom. _"He made my daughter well. Rise, Man of the Sky."_

"Yes, the healer." Kirk obeyed, straightening to his full height. He waved his hand towards the great expanse water before them all. "He mistakenly drank of your magnificent sea and has reaped the unfortunate consequences."

_"Ah. He has become the transformation and you wish to return him to his previous state." _The creature's eyes peered curiously at Kirk. _"To what depths would you search, Man of the Sky?"_

"He is my friend. I will do what I must to return his health to him. I understand that which you are asking me to do."

King Gri'eone smiled at Kirk's confidence. Sulu braced himself for the king's reply and prayed that the captain would not drag him into "the depths." Uhura gave him a sideways glance, her expression telling Sulu all that he needed to know..

Sulu suppressed a groan. He should've known. Once again, their captain was about to do something dangerous and most likely detrimental to his own health.

Spock had asked Sulu to stay with the captain if at all possible.

Some days, he really wished he'd chosen a desk job.

_"Follow me, Man of the Sky. Leave your friends behind,"_ the creature commanded. "_Where you must go, they must not follow."_

That was even worse. He had to follow the captain.

Kirk turned around. "Sulu. Uhura. You're to remain on the beach. I'll go alone."

With that command, Kirk slipped on the diving gear. Uhura spoke more with the king while Sulu assisted the captain and heard only snippets of the conversation. A few of those bits and pieces alarmed Sulu but one sharp glance from Kirk shut down any questions he wanted to raise.

"Trust me, Sulu," Kirk's eyes flashed that he meant business. Sulu swallowed back any protest fueled by Spock's request. "I'll be fine. And keep Uhura on the beach, no matter how much she complains."

"Aye, sir."

"One more thing," Kirk frowned. "Give Chekov a break, will you? He looks up to you."

"Sir, I-"

"Do you really think Sarah is going to go through with this date?" Kirk raised an eyebrow and pulled his mask over his head, now fully equipped. He followed the king and his guards to the water's edge. Both feet now dashed by crystal waves, Kirk looked back, waved a hand, and called out. "She's doing this just to make you jealous. By the way, Sulu, you sent her a single rose and a comm to Chekov to come by and hang out tonight if he has time."

"Wait. Cap-" Before Sulu could say another word, the captain gracefully entered the sea. Sulu had never been one to give flowers and he didn't want to start now, really. But if Kirk was right- and the captain usually was- Chekov would, indeed, have time tonight to stop by.

"He's right you know. She is doing this out of spite." Uhura offered.

"Where does he have to go?" Sulu ignored her comment. The gear functioned only to the depth of the underwater city, where the environment was stable. This could be bad.

Uhura sighed. "Beneath their kingdom."

Sulu was wrong. This wasn't bad. It was disastrous.

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><p>Carol was going to kill him.<p>

As soon as he stepped foot on the Enterprise, Captain James T. Kirk was going to die by the hand of his own wife- if Spock didn't get to him first.

Jim could see the headlines now. They were frightening things to read. Jim had no idea how the hell he was going to hide this from Carol until Bones found a solution to his predicament, but he would damn sure try.

At any rate, Bones would forever blame himself. Spock and Uhura's relationship would most likely be torn asunder, Spock racked with guilt that he didn't push to accompany Jim as he usually would. Sulu may be the only one who benefitted from Jim's plan.

Jim saw the headline, plain as day- the words "Reckless Captain" showing up somewhere- but he didn't want to.

He shook the image from his head and determinedly swam towards the seaweed covered, hidden entrance of the underwater city. After four hours of searching dangerous, infested waters of the deep, the cure was in his hand- a strange shell with almost one hundred soft, iridescent pearls inside. Jim had been told they only needed one of these unusually soft pearls to concoct the cure for the both of them, but Jim wasn't going to take any chances that Bones was going to remain forever a half-fish or fish man or ...

Like he was one to talk. Jim sighed. There was not a single thing he could do about it now.

Today, he was going to die by the hand of his very own wife, a madwoman already wrought with a thousand emotions and who'd had enough with his recklessness and self-sacrificing. It'd been worth it: he found the cure.

Anyways, Bones would fix this. He always had before. That is, if he got to Jim before Carol did.

Today, Jim triumphed once again over a no-win scenario.

Yes, today was the day...

The day that Jim had gone a bit too far.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: And here we are. Jim has, once again, pushed the limits. In this case, for the sake of Dr. McCoy...

So, Friday, I'll post the last chapter to this little story. It will tie up all the loose ends! Hope you've all been entertained! I've appreciated those reviews- thank you. DLB48, thank you so much for beta reading.

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><p>"I have to admit, Jim, that this is weird. Even for you." It topped absolutely anything the captain ever endured to this very day. "I never thought the day would come when Spock would be struck speechless, but this just takes the cake."<p>

"You don't say."

"It won't be much longer." McCoy pressed his mouth flat, not altogether certain that was true.

"Right."

"Look how fast it cured me." Just in time for a date with Nurse Chapel in a few hours. Maybe.

"You didn't tell Carol, did you?"

"You're damn right, I didn't," McCoy barked into the speaker at hand, the focus of his wrath standing before him, headstrong as ever. "What were you thinking? And why would I tell your overly emotional wife that her husband drank the water he very well knew would turn him into a damn fish so he could find the cure for his CMO! I want to live to see my next birthday and the next one. And yours!"

"It's not all that bad and I'm not really a fish," Jim replied through the glass of a tank Scotty hastily built in engineering for the captain. After adjusting his ear piece, Jim inspected his hands. "At least I don't have scales. Just...wrinkles from being in the water so long."

"You're breathing underwater. In a tank." And talking via a chip inserted in Jim's mouth, but that was thanks to a technological advancement they'd come across a year ago in deep space.

"Point taken. I had no choice. What was I supposed to do, Bones? I had the answer to your scaly problem but our diving equipment was useless in that specific environment. I drank the water because it was the only way to get the cure for my friend and I'm not sorry I did it." Bubbles escaped from his mouth as he sighed. "I really thought the cure would work for me, too. Bones, if this thing goes south-"

"It won't." McCoy's reply was terse and pointed. "You'll be fine. You have to be- I am not reporting to the admiral that the captain of their flagship put himself in this predicament."

McCoy nudged the tank's temperature slightly lower to increase the oxygen saturation.

"You should be warm enough in that wet suit, but the cooler water will make it easier for you to breathe until we can get you out of there." Not that Jim seemed to mind the discomfort. He was too busy swimming. "I do appreciate being scale-free, by the way. Thanks."

"No problem. That's what captains do these days. Drink water so they mutate into a...a..."

"Fish?"

"I prefer merman, thank you very much."

"You would. Meet me at the top, Jim. Okay?" McCoy rushed up the stairs. The only side effects Jim was experiencing were the inability to be able to breathe air and the growth of a few gills which were hardly noticeable. He had no scales, no foul smell, and no fins, not even a tail. It'd been over five hours and McCoy wanted to test what they'd done so far. That meant pulling the fish out of water. McCoy smirked. He'd had a hard day. He could laugh at his own damn joke. He glanced over at the door as Spock strode forward, looking perhaps more like himself than he had at the beginning of the day. Or so McCoy had heard. No wonder Jim practically flew off the bridge and left the Vulcan on the bridge.

"Captain, you acted quite nobly today on behalf of Dr. McCoy." Spock declared into the speaker.

"But let me guess. You're not too happy about it." Jim said before he swam up the tank.

"No, I am not," Spock stated before he followed McCoy. The Vulcan practically breathed down his neck by the time they arrived at the top of the uncovered tank. Jim observed them from just underneath the surface, knuckles white as his hands gripped the edge of the tank. Spock directed his words into the speaker McCoy held up to him. "I would have preferred to have accompanied you so that this would have been prevented."

Jim pushed his head up through the water.

"It was the only way to help Bones," he rushed out. Jim paused, face strained as he gasped. Pain filled his expression as he fell beneath the water to breathe- to breathe, for crying out loud- underwater.

"Was that any better?" He didn't even have to ask.

Jim shook his head and moved to swim the perimeter of the tank for what McCoy was certain to be the five hundredth time. McCoy determined they'd try again in another hour, after they flushed additional antidote into Jim's system. Spock inclined his head that he wished to speak.

"Yes, Spock."

"Dr. Marcus has reached a state of nervousness that Nurse Chapel deems unacceptable."

"She can't see him like this." McCoy waved to their captain who was happy as a clam to breathe water. "I can't even imagine what she'll do."

"We will break this to her gently, Dr. McCoy."

"Gently? And how do you propose to do that?" Carol not know of her husband's physiological changes. Jim did not yet know of her pregnancy. It was a tangled mess.

"That, Dr. McCoy, will fall under your expertise."

* * *

><p>Jim floated near the bottom of the tank and rested his head against the cool glass of the tank, watching Bones work with Christine instead of going out as planned. Jim pleaded with Bones for him to go on his Valentine's Day date but the doctor refused to take a rest until he cured Jim.<p>

Thankfully, Spock successfully stalled Carol from breaking into the room using her stellar skills. She also didn't know of Jim's slight difficulty of breathing air. Jim entertained no plans to inform her until after Bones reversed the mutation.

Jim tapped his fingers on the glass, desperately fighting the urge to swim. He'd never tell Bones, but this was so much better than smelling like a fish or having scales.

He'd been lucky. If he'd have to choose between the two, he'd be this.

Captain Merman.

He twisted his body, preparing to push off the side of the tank as Captain Merman for another spectacular trip around the tank's perimeter when a distraught voice came through the speaker from afar.

"No," Carol wailed. She ran straight for the tank. Eyeing the bit of water which had spilled outside and his wife blindly racing towards him, Jim shot a panicked glance towards Bones.

"Bones," he cried, slamming his hands on the glass.

The doctor widened his eyes as Carol darted past him. Bones shot forward and grasped both of her arms before she slipped. "How'd she get in here? Dr. Marcus, wait!"

"He's in water. Why didn't anyone tell me?" She gasped, trying to wrench free. "James, what happened?"

"Don't worry. Bones is working on it."

"Dr. McCoy," Carol looked in amazement at Bones' hands on her arms. "You don't have those scales anymore. You're cured."

"Yes," Bones carefully guided her closer to the tank. "And, hopefully soon Jim will be, too."

"James," she wailed again. "You're...you're breathing in water. You'll die!"

"No, that's not what's happening," Jim said calmly. Carol had been acting odd this week but Jim was slightly unprepared for this strength of emotion from her. He pressed his hand on the glass closest to her face. "The water is keeping me from dying, actually."

"What?" Carol gasped. "You me...mean...you're a..."

"No," he said proudly. "Not a fish."

"He prefers merman," Bones announced.

Jim grinned at his wife, hoping that settled her concerns a little. "Pretty cool, huh?"

She stared at him openmouthed.

"Carol?"

She blinked, still silent.

"Sweetheart?"

"No!" She broke into a wail, one even louder than the first time. "This can't be happening. My baby's father can't be a fish!"

"Come again?" Jim squawked.

"You can't be a fish," she hysterically cried, Bones the only one keeping her from sagging to the floor. "No, no, no! My baby's father can't be a fish! James, you're a fish!"

"What?" Maybe it was the water, but Jim was confused. He looked at Bones, wanting some sign that his wife was merely going off the deep end. The deep end seemed like something he could deal with from a tank. "Her baby?"

Bones sighed, still holding on to Carol. "_Your_ baby, Jimmy. Congratulations."

Jim's eyes widened as the truth sunk in. All of a sudden, being Captain Merman lost its charm.

"Bones!" He yelled. "Get me out of here- _now_!"


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Happy Valentine's Day! And now...the dramatic conclusion to the Adventures of Captain Merman!

In all seriousness, thank you to all who've read and enjoyed this slightly ridiculous story. Who knows, maybe I'll be inspired someday to write more of Captain Merman's wonderful time spent in a tank. DLB48- thank you for all the wonderful beta reading!

* * *

><p>"Captain!"<p>

"Lieutenant Uhura," Jim stepped into the lift, momentarily forgetting that he wasn't underwater and didn't need to swim himself in. Belatedly, he attempted to disguise his ungraceful arm movement by leaning against the wall. If that was the worst he had to show for his twelve hour stint of underwater captaincy, he would take it. "Um...how are you?"

"I'm sorry you were confined to a tank. And congratulations. I'm very happy for you both."

"So Carol told you?" He was on his way back to his quarters, having been declared gill-free by Bones. He also had picked up a little something for Carol en route. A souvenir for the day, if you will.

"No," Uhura smiled. "Spock."

Jim cocked an eye at her. "You're on speaking terms with him, now?"

"Yes and I threw out the chocolate," Uhura blushed. "Captain, thank you for what you did."

"What did I do?" He knew. Hearing it from Uhura was so much better. After the day he had, it was nice to know at least one of his ideas had gone smoothly.

"You gave us time to think." She frowned. "Well, me, mostly. I think I was too hard on him."

"You're welcome."

The lift doors opened and Jim stepped out, pondering a quick change of plans. First, he needed to return the earplugs to Sulu. Now that he knew what was behind those tears of Carol, he had no use of them.

"Captain, wait."

"Yes, Uhura?"

"I just wanted you to know, I'm not upset anymore that you ordered me to remain on the beach." Uhura smirked.

"What are captains for?" Jim grinned.

* * *

><p>"Next time you decide to purposefully inflict a mutation upon yourself, warn me beforehand," sniffed Carol. "Although, once I calmed down I thought you looked rather cute in the tank. You were like my very own pet fish."<p>

"Merman," he reminded her, wanting her to get it right. "Your very own pet merman."

"Alright," she smiled. "My very own pet...merman."

"About the hacking you did..."

"One of my bad habits."

"Bad habit? No way." Jim exclaimed. She'd proved that she did, indeed, have a habit of hacking many times over since he'd met her. But it was one of the many attributes which he loved. "You have none of those. It was actually adorable the way you wanted to make sure I was okay."

That said, Jim's heart broke a little at Carol's morose expression. She'd defied clear orders to remain outside of that room and it was now making her miserable.

"Shall I write you up? Would that make you feel better?"

She shook her head at his teasing and nestled closer. "James?"

"Yes, mother-of-my-child." Jim still could hardly believe her news. Their news. It was bound to be an adventure.

"I'm sorry to have to say this, but..."

Concerned at the way she trailed off with her statement, Jim glanced down. Instead of the frown he expected, she wore a grin. "I was so relieved when Dr. McCoy refused to examine me."

"That stench was horrendous, wasn't it? I am relieved for you, too, sweetheart." He whispered, handing her a gift wrapped in red paper. "I'm pretty sure I got the better end of the deal. Here. Happy Valentine's Day."

In seconds the gift had been opened and she was looking quite pleased. With a devoted expression, she gazed at him and held the stuffed toy tightly in her arms.

"It's perfect," she exclaimed.

"I know," he replied smugly. He knew she'd love the gift. He'd requested an especially talented seamstress to make it this very evening. Someday, it would grace their child's crib.

It was a perfectly muscled and handsome, eight-inch, stuffed Captain Merman.

* * *

><p>"Sulu, I had to interrupt my own Valentine's Day dinner just to give you these stupid things from the Captain." Yeoman Rand shoved the earplugs at him.<p>

"Sorry to hear that," Sulu rolled his eyes and offered them back to her. "Here, do you want them?"

"Why would I want those gross things? They've been in ears, Sulu. Ears!"

"Fine," he shrugged. "Just a warning, though. Chekov got stood up tonight so it may be a bit trying on the bridge tomorrow."

"On second thought," Rand snatched them from the palm of his hand. "I'd love to use them. Thanks."

"No problem." Sulu politely nodded. The yeoman left and Sulu returned to the most perfect Valentine's Day ever- a quiet night in his quarters. His ex-girlfriend had stood up Chekov and then Sulu stood his ground when she approached him, half-crawling and apologetic. He'd accepted her explanation but would talk with her tomorrow, confident that they'd be back together after all. For now, however, he had better plans.

Restoring a friendship.

"Hey, Chekov," said Sulu. "Let's get back to that game."

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry, Christine." McCoy sighed as the lights dimmed and they exited sickbay. The next shift was already working but the patients were minimal, or perhaps the crew was still a bit wary that the stench remained in sickbay.<p>

Christine and McCoy's date had been forfeited for the sake of their captain. Not that McCoy begrudged Jim for keeping him occupied for almost the entire evening. It had been McCoy's own stupidity which got him in that ridiculous situation in the first place.

"Think nothing of it, Leonard. It was time worth spent on saving my best friend's husband from life as a fish."

"Merman," McCoy muttered under his breath. Jim had certainly made it clear that's what was going down in the log, even though he never grew a tail. Who was McCoy to judge that?

Christine covered her mouth with both hands as a giggle escaped her.

"Christine," McCoy scowled. Her laughter was about as annoying as his scales had been. Poor Jim. His hands had been as wrinkled as a newborn once he escaped the tank, cured and a completely normal, functioning human again. "It's not funny."

"Yes, it is," came her muffled reply.

"It's not." McCoy's own mouth turned up a bit and he quickly pressed it back into a scowl. "Not funny."

"Captain Merman," she gasped, stopping and clutching McCoy's arm as she doubled over with laughter. "And his...his...fish...doctor..."

"You know, if that's what you think about this, maybe you should go drink the water." He muttered. "Mocking your captain for something he couldn't help. And me. Would serve you right, Nurse Chapel."

"...Dr. McFish..." Christine burst out laughing, ignoring his threats.

McCoy groaned. He would never drink water again. Ever. It was back to all booze.

"If I drink the water, what do you think would happen to me?" Stopping momentarily, Christine peered at him with innocent, wide eyes. "Perhaps I would grow a tail?"

McCoy growled. He stormed away, content to leave the day behind him.

"Dr. McFish?" Christine called after him. "McFish?"

"See you tomorrow, Christine," he replied, tiredly waving goodbye. He knew the date had been too good to be true. If he were to be honest, he hardly cared.

There were bound to be more fish in the sea.


End file.
